


Legends Only

by Haemish (an_fish)



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alexis has been a Lesbian the entire goddam time!, All Alexis' Relationships Are Genderswapped, F/F, Gay-Lesbian Solidarity, Gen, Lesbian Alexis AU, femme erasure, gender swap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 09:05:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19315009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_fish/pseuds/Haemish
Summary: Connor the 16-year-old Gay Kid who doesn't WANT to fit in stans Lesbian Alexis





	Legends Only

Connor Tremblay—he had once considered glamming up his last name, but more recently thought he could make it work and embrace its Canadian Milquetoast Swishy Hockey-player connotations—is having a critical meltdown. Alexis Rose—THE Alexis Rose—is moving to the schittyyyy town in which he is cursed to live.

Connor is currently in his bedroom shrieking into a pillow. He had to hear this earth-shattering news in muted beige tones from Becky and Steph, the pseudo-popular girls in his class. His high school is so boring even the “mean girls” hardly bother to be mean.

Connor has stanned Alexis Rose like Armageddon ever since he first saw her claw-like hands in a reaction gif accompanied by the phrase, “The FBI knew I was a Lesbian the entire time.” After that he binged her tragically short-lived reality show A Little Bit Alexis with the seriousness of a scholar and the obsessiveness of a fan with a new hyper-fixation. If he were a Slightly Trashier Gay he might even have considered getting the lyrics from her show's theme song tattooed on his body.

Some assorted facts he knows about Alexis Icon Rose (he decides to begin a new olive green moleskin notebook and write these down from memory in an attempt to calm down): 

\- She has a driver’s license in Seven Countries, including an f-class, which is apparently for transport trucks.

\- Also knows how to parallel park in a burka???

\- Her ex-fiancee Stavros is some sort of family-money Fuckgirl with a helicopter. From what paparazzi photos Connor had seen around the internet, she has a similar look and vibe to Gigi Gorgeous’ girlfriend, but seems to be a much shittier person.

\- Alexis can negotiate in Arabic.

\- Apparently her dad once walked in on her in what she referred to as “a super cute bdsm situation” with Kate Middleton. SHRIEK.

\- She has played pool for her friends' lives on multiple occasions.

The LEGEND of it all.

Connor has to do some breathing exercises. 

The thing that specifically changed Connor’s life was the music video for A Little Bit Alexis: The Hit Single. Alexis does this Canned Sexy dance choreography on different sets—including a Lamborghini of course—but in SUCH A SELF-SATISFIED DORKY WAY. The awkwardly-too-loose-fitting-for-these-moves velvet dress she’s wearing completely screams Aggressively Cute Joy. Connor actually wrote up a 4000 word close reading of the video, but hasn’t yet found the right audience for it.

In it he concluded that Alexis is a world-altering hybrid of Traditional Camp and Dyke Camp. She plays with all the tools of campy femme artifice, grinds them into dust, snorts them like cocaine, and dances loosely and badly and gleefully through their haze with the exaggerated ease that is indeed the hallmark and foundation of dyke camp.

That’s not even to get into her iconic hand gestures. He doesn’t know how the “t-rex playing an old-timey piano” thing became a meme, but he wishes he was responsible for it. She takes Limp Wrist and adds Urgent Talons while still being Cutesy AF. How.

Connor passes out on his bed with all his clothes on and completely misses dinner, because he’s gay.

* * * 

The first several months aren’t even as catastrophic as Connor fears. He manages to play it cool when Alexis’ brother David cringily comes to school to “mentor” him. He doesn’t ask anything about Alexis or give away how much he stans her. He acts bitchy to distract himself but this is worth it for the modicum of self-respect that he retains.

He doesn’t run into Alexis because he avoids public places in the town as a rule. He’s a child of the internet and that’s fine. Also he might be terrified to run into her. He doesn’t want to be That kind of fan. He does start paying attention to town gossip, lethargic though it usually is. What he hears about her is by definition legendary, so that’s also fine. He doesn’t see her in person until she starts ATTENDING THEIR HIGH SCHOOL. Connor was not aware that she never graduated. He does hear about one comment she made regarding that situation: “I heard Solange in concert and then hooked up with her after, so it was almost worth it.”

Connor is of course vibrating with silence in the back row while Alexis introduces herself to his class. She does not hesitate to jump in on their discussion about Marie Antoinette later, saying at one point, “Friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Princess Madeleine of Sweden at the time, so there was the whole *gasp* ‘is she gonna be a princess?’ thing.”Connor Is No More. Good thing she adopts Becky and Steph rather than him. Alexis is fundamentally just Very Sweet about it and takes the fall for them passing notes about her. The notes are, befittingly, about her outfit, which is among other things, Peak.

Alexis is the new left. Alexis is the end of gender. Alexis is a t-rex in fashion icon’s clothing.

Connor does not consider himself a Fashion Gay. However this does not mean he is dead to aesthetics or that he can’t See a fashion icon when she is Before Him. He himself is more of a Cultural Criticism Gay—hopefully someday he’ll invent a way to express the concept of cultural criticism that will sound Not Disgusting. Maybe he'll start a youtube channel. Connor wears scarves less to be fashionable (he knows he isn’t fashionable) and more as a signifier of self-awareness. YES I’m a gay in a miserable small town and I KNOW I am. Nothing is cringier than being A Gay In A Small Town and having people act like They’re The Ones Who Know, more even than you do. The audacity.

* * * 

Conner starts venturing out to the cafe, where Alexis sometimes Does Her Thing. He does homework and listens. He wants to be a part of History, is that a crime??

“Try getting into Kiss Kiss in Tokyo without a lock of human hair,” she once says at the cafe to her Granola TM girlfriend, whose prodigious body hair she casually slightly fetishizes. Connor wonders if this is subtle pushback for the way Mutt subtly condescends to her and tends to dismiss the significance of her skill sets. Alexis drifts off into a revery as she eats yoghurt parfait in the least-sexy sexy way. Completely hollowing out traditional “sexiness” performance, draining any semblance of mystique, and inhabiting its empty shell with her own dorkiness is very much her thing. “Oh sorry, I was just thinking about this one crazy night at Kiss Kiss,” she continues.

Coincidentally, Connor is also in the cafe the day they break up, and pieces together from their convo that Mutt had unexpectedly shaved her armpits because she wanted to compete in a triathlon. Alexis had apparently woken up in bed next to her that morning and shrieked in terror because she didn’t recognize her without her armpit hair. “I just think that big decisions about body hair should require consulting with your partner,” says Alexis as she sips her smoothie. 

“So wait,” says Mutt, “have you been dating me or my armpit hair this whole time?”

That is when they break up.

* * *

Connor is an iconoclast, which means he doesn’t have a friend he can text about Alexis. No one here can possibly understand the level she is on! The cultural implications that she has!

Connor has instead begun writing down “overheard from Alexis” phrases in his olive-green moleskin. Moleskins are made with acid-free paper, designed to last in an archival way. Connor thinks about The Historical Archive, about that kind of thing. Furthermore, it would be skeevy and Daily Mail Bottom-feeder Journalism Esque (Connor had a Britcom phase and when he was twelve) to scrawl across the internet these sayings and anecdotes he has been overhearing and writing down. He is not That kind of fan, he is Responsible and Respectful of Personal Space. He is a future Professional, so he needs to act like one now. But he is compelled to write down these Mythic Utterances on acid-free paper nonetheless. Maybe someday he could be her biographer, and ask permission to use this material he has responsibly collected. He could be Alexis Rose’s formal biographer, a Boswell’s Life of Johnson for the modern age, without the homoeroticism. It’s so much classier to stan people one does not desire. The 19th century can fuck off!

Some of the choice elements Connor has recorded for the Historical Record:

\- “Once I found out that this Saudi Prince wouldn’t be allowed to speak to me or even look at me if we got engaged, I obviously went for it immediately. I mean it’s perfect right! Full access pass to a ladies-only wing of the palace, and ladies with a lot of money and time on their hands, if you know what I mean. Girls had some epic vibrators is what I’m saying.”

\- “One time I escaped from a Thai drug-lord’s trunk by bribing her with sex.”

\- “Ameera was a lovely gentlewoman, until she ran out of money.”

\- “I don’t think you can run in those,” says Alexis’ current girlfriend Teddie at the cafe, admittedly a very wholesome townie butch gal if a bit simple minded. Alexis is standing there in maybe 6-inch fringed stilettos. “Tell that to me at 21 escaping the Yacuza,” she fucking replies.

* * * 

Connor has still not once spoken to Alexis or introduced himself. This is in some ways cowardly, but in other ways it is responsible. The longer he avoids meeting her, the weirder it would be to eventually mention that he is a major fan. He could just not mention it, but that would Not be very transparent.

He hears that Alexis is performing in Cabaret, directed by Moira Rose. By all accounts it might actually be good? Connor is writing the school newspaper now, so he has to attend to review it anyway. Ensconced at the back of the theatre early, sitting wrongly on his chair in honor of his gay heritage, he writes in his notebook about whether or not to approach her afterwards. All at once he recalls that one interview with Buzzfeed she did back before her family’s Fall and their Move:

Buzzfeed:“Your reputation precedes you Miss Rose.”

A. Rose: “Yeah, I did some sweet shit! Wanna hear about it?”

Buzzfeed: “Absolutely! Please elaborate whatever you’re comfortable with.”

A. Rose: “… You know it’s funny, no matter how many times I refer to my incredibly numerous affairs with women across the globe, and also literally say I’m a Lesbian as many chances as I get, because Lesbians rule, like we are excellent, whole huge swaths of the media just assume I’m joking? Like I guarantee you that even after this article goes live, an amazing percentage of the internet and just randos I meet will go on thinking that I’m straight based off of how I look and act. Like excuse me? I wear sheer dresses and travel and do my nails and makeup and run in heels and bang legendary independent gorgeous women? What is your damage?”

It occurs to Connor that Alexis has had a lot to deal with. Maybe, just maybe, she might like to hear from him that he thinks of her as an Icon and that he looks up to her? He can do this.

Her performance as a Kit Kat Girl is just as inspired as what he’s come to expect from her oeuvre. Dyke Camp all the way. Right up there with Hayley Kiyoko in that video of her dance rehearsal. The promo video for Curious. And also he can tell that she gets along really well with the cast. He wonders if that's partly because she seduced all the other girls (he wouldn't put it past her)? Or maybe just because she knows how to make women feel good and confident. She was always going out of her way to help Becky and Steph feel confident at school. Either way they really are an ensemble feeding off each other’s energy—and by the way Holy Fuck, who knew that Stevie Budd of all small-time rude goths COULD SING LIKE THAT. And this guy playing the Emcee is a snack. Wait is he that guy David Rose has been dating? Anyway!

Before he can talk himself out of it, Connor goes up to Alexis Herself afterwards.

“Hi, thank you so much for your performance. I also want to thank you for being a Lesbian Icon. Thank you for that. I was actually a fan of your show before you moved here. I’m Connor Tremblay and I write for The Creek, as in the high school newspaper.”

 He offers his hand to shake and she shakes it with a Startlingly strong grip. Her whole face kind of melts in delight. She looks like she wants to hug him, but she’s holding back because she notices how much he wants to be taken seriously.

“That is—that is literally the sweetest thing of you to say Connor Tremblay. It’s a total honor to meet you. I’m actually getting choked up right now. Look at you, you’re such a responsible lil gay bird yourself with your lil notebook! I can tell you’re definitely going to do great things. Whew!” She wipes her eyes. “I actually have to go hug my brother and my whole family into oblivion now, but let’s definitely talk more! Take care okay?”

Connor can feel himself starting to cry. “IT’S OBVIOUSLY AN HONOR TO MEET YOU TOO,” he blurts. “I don’t know why I didn’t mention that—Take care also!”

He scampers off to cry properly in the bathroom. On his way there he realizes it genuinely might not be impossible to ask if he can be her biographer one day. He scoops up cold water and dips his face in it. You know what? It might not be impossible for him to reach out and make some friends as his mom and auntie and countless teachers have been encouraging him to do. Is this emotional maturity? What’s become of him?

He squeegee-dries his face with his hands because he hates the texture of paper towels. He is going to be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I had fun projecting all my stanning of Alexis and my excess of gender commentary onto a 16-year-old gay kid. Shout-out to all the Lesbian Commentary SC fans on tumblr and discord for giving me the idea for Lesbian Alexis Verse.
> 
> This is unbeta'd because I'm a bit of a mess :0
> 
> Thanks so much to Michele & Kelly and everyone organizing and participating in Open Fic Night--you all are Legends!!
> 
> For more information on Dyke Camp, see:  
> NOTES ON DYKE CAMP  
> by Mikaella Clements  
> https://theoutline.com/post/4556/notes-on-dyke-camp?zd=2&zi=hxlt5aws


End file.
